The psychoanalyst John Bowlby was the first to carry out extensive research into the concept of attachment, which he described as a ‘lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.’ His work, alongside that of psychologist Mary Ainsworth, led to the development of attachment theory.
Attachment styles reflect the different ways we interact with others and how we behave in our relationships. They are established in childhood through our experience of our relationship with our parents, and are motivated both by our desire to form strong emotional bonds and by our survival instincts. Bowlby identified four key characteristics of attachment. The first is proximity maintenance This simply means that we prefer to be near the person or people to whom we feel most attached (our “attachment figure”, usually a parent). Second is the safe haven represented by our attachment figure, to whom we can return when we are frightened or faced with a threat. Our attachment figure serves as a secure base, giving us the confidence to set out and explore, and take risks, knowing that we can return. Finally, if our attachment figure is absent, we may then experience distress caused by this separation.
Bowlby saw our early experiences of attachment as key, and identified ways in which they can impact on our future attachment style and relationships. If we spend our childhood safe in the knowledge that our attachment figure will always be there for us, we are far less likely to experience anxiety than those who did not have this experience. The presence or absence of attachment figures also affects our confidence and the extent to which we are able to trust that our attachment figures will support us in times of need. Whatever those expectations may be, Bowlby believed that they were formed by concrete experiences during the key developmental stage of childhood, and that they remained largely unchanged for the rest of a person’s life.
The Four Attachment Styles
During the 1970s the psychologist Mary Ainsworth developed Bowlby’s theories further, through the experiment known as the Strange Situation. In the experiment, Ainsworth observed children aged between a year and 18 months, who were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mother. Through her observations of how the children responded to this brief separation, Ainsworth was able to identify three ways in which children relate to their primary care-giver, or three attachment styles: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment and avoidant-insecure attachment. More recently, psychologists have added a fourth attachment style: disorganised-insecure attachment.
In the experiment, children who were visibly upset when their mother left, and happy on her return, were identified as securely attached. A secure attachment is formed in children whose mother is responsive to her child’s needs in his or her first year. The child sees the parent as a source of comfort, but is able to separate from her, since he can anticipate her return. He is more likely to be empathetic and emotionally mature, and less prone to aggressive or disruptive behaviour. In adulthood, this secure attachment tends to manifest itself in positive self-esteem, emotional openness, and an ability to form trusting, lasting relationships. In a 1987 study of attachment styles and romantic relationships, 56 percent of participants identified as secure.
19 percent of respondents identified as ambivalent-insecure. In Ainsworth’s experiment, these children are distressed when their mother leaves, but are not comforted by her return. This attachment style develops in children whose mother is inconsistently attuned to them. While at times she may be nurturing and respond effectively to her child’s distress, at other times she may be insensitive or emotionally unavailable. The mother’s vacillation between these two different responses provokes confusion and insecurity in the child, who is unable to predict the mother’s behaviour. While these children may distrust their mother, they express their confusion and insecurity through clingy or desperate behaviour, since they have learnt that this is the most likely way that their needs will be met. Adults who are ambivalently attached are often reluctant to become close to others, perhaps for fear of abandonment, and in romantic relationships they are often preoccupied with the worry that their partner does not love them. This combination of ambivalence and anxiety can often lead to relationships that feel cold and distant and so are more likely to end, leaving the ambivalently attached adult extremely distraught.
The final 25 percent of participants in the study identified as avoidant-insecure. As children, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid their parents and caregivers. This is particularly the case after a period of absence, and it was this behaviour that Ainsworth observed during her experiment. While not all avoidant children necessarily actively reject attention from a parent, they do not seek out comfort from or contact with her. They may seem not to differentiate between their parents and strangers. These children may develop this attachment style due to a sense that their parents are emotionally unavailable, and have no intention of really getting to know them. In later life this can lead to problems with intimacy, since adults who are avoidant tend to invest little emotion in social and romantic relationships, and are often unwilling or unable to share their thoughts or feelings with other people.
Psychologists Main and Solomon identified a fourth attachment style, disorganised-insecure attachment. They saw this in children whose parents were a source of reassurance, but also fear. In some cases this fear may result from abuse. A parent may abuse the child verbally, physically or sexually, or the child may witness the parent carrying out abuse, such as a father hitting his wife. The child comes to understand that the attachment figure whom he or she loves and relies on for a sense of safety also represents a significant threat.
These children grow into adults who veer in a disorganised way between two drives - the need to belong and to connect on one hand, and on the other the need to survive and protect themselves. They fall victim to fear and anxiety in intimate relationships, and often suffer from a negative self image and a critical inner voice. The loneliness they feel can often be self-induced. While they want to connect, they distance themselves to avoid anticipated rejection.
Attachment Styles in Adulthood
While our attachment style is established in early life, and while we may well retain key traits of that style throughout our lives, our behaviour in our relationships can vary at different stages in our lives. For example, if life is going smoothly - if we have a good job, a decent salary, have time to keep fit and to see our friends - we are likely to feel more secure in our relationships, whatever our underlying attachment style. However, throw in some job insecurity, a break-up and a schedule that leaves little time for friends or exercise, and we are likely to feel far more insecurely attached. These fluctuations can also be linked to age. Younger people have less experience of relationships, and may be struggling with hormones and other growing pains. They are far more likely to demonstrate insecure behaviour in relationships than their older counterparts.
Of course, all of this can vary widely on an individual basis, and our attachment style can also be hugely influenced by the attachment style of those with whom we have our closest relationships. For those with an insecure attachment style, those relationships can often have a curative effect, if our partner is able to reassure us at times of anxiety, thus strengthening our trust and sense of security in the relationship. Conversely, a partner who pushes us away when we are feeling anxious is likely to exacerbate the fears associated with insecure attachment styles. Even someone whose attachment style is initially secure can develop a more insecure attachment style through their interactions in adult relationships. A partner who is a bully or who is cruel, or a devastating breakup, can lead a securely-attachment person to become insecure, or a person with an anxious attachment style to become avoidant. It is worth stating however that it is possible for us to have greater agency and greater ownership of our attachment style in our adult relationships. If we are able to develop greater awareness of how we behave in relationships, we may be able to override our instinctive attachment style. If we can identify the emotions we feel when we experience anxiety with a partner, we can then be more aware of how they can negatively impact on the relationship. Finally, we may choose to draw on therapy or other techniques such as mindfulness to help us manage and even adjust our attachment style.
Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships
As we have seen, our attachment style continues to have a huge impact as we move into adult life, and on our most intimate relationships in particular. Not surprisingly, each attachment style is reflected in different, specific tendencies in romantic relationships. These relationships unconsciously stimulate our attachment style, whilst also reflecting the trust or anxiety we may have experienced in the past.
In theory, those whose attachment style is secure function most easily in intimate relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and able to share their needs and feelings. They respect their partner, whom they see in a realistic light, and aim to met his or her emotional needs. Their positive self-esteem means they are less likely to take things personally or to respond badly to criticism. In contrast, people whose attachment style is ambivalent - insecure will find it much more challenging to navigate the emotional landscape of an intimate relationship. Their desire for intimacy may lead them to abandon their own emotional needs to accommodate those of their partner. This is not sustainable however, and they become unhappy due to a lack of personal, emotional fulfilment. They often replicate the clingy and yet distrustful behaviour of the ambivalently attached child. Worried that their partner does not share their need for intimacy, they play games and act out emotionally, all with the aim of getting attention and reassurance. They are often preoccupied with the relationship and troubled by jealousy.
An avoidant-insecure attachment style manifests itself in a need to retain a sense of independence and self-sufficiency in a relationship, which in turn can lead to a lack of commitment and distancing behaviours such as flirting or ignoring their partner’s feelings and needs. These behaviours can be driven by a need for self-protection. Even when they do commit, those with this attachment style may simultaneously create an emotional distance from their partner, focusing on his or her flaws and on areas of dissatisfaction with the relationship. This dichotomy is also apparent in how they respond to the end of a relationship. While they may be distressed, they are likely repress these feelings and pretend that they do not have any attachment needs.
People with a disorganised attachment style find it more challenging to form relationships in the first place, since they want to protect themselves from the rejection and pain they have experienced in the past. Their behaviour towards a potential partner may be erratic - veering from overly trusting to acutely suspicious - to such an extent that he or she loses interest or withdraws. That potential partner will need to provide consistency and almost constant reassurance if a person whose attachment style is disorganised is going to be able to overcome his or her anxieties and past trauma, and invest their trust in the potential for a new, intimate connection. This pattern may then continue throughout the relationship.
Our Partner’s Attachment Style
Our attachment style can affect how we choose a partner. Often, people with an insecure attachment style may choose a partner who suits that style of attachment, though this is unlikely to lead to a happy relationship. An ambivalently attached person, who needs attention and reassurance, may choose a partner whose attachment style is avoidant and who therefore needs to maintain an emotional distance. By choosing a partner whose emotional needs are almost diametrically opposed to our own, we find a way of relating that supports our perception of reality. We are almost setting ourselves up to fail, by finding partners who confirm our maladaptive attachment styles. In this way, our adult patterns of relating may replicate those we experienced in childhood, even when those patterns hurt us and are not in our best interests.
It is however important to remember that our childhood attachment style does not have to define the way we relate with loved ones in adult life. The concept of ‘earned secure attachment’ means a secure style of relating, achieved by identifying the ways in which we might seek to protect ourselves from getting close to and being emotionally connected with others. The more aware we are of our attachment style, the more we and our partner can challenge the insecurities and fears associated with it, and work towards a new kind of relationship. Our relationships can also be improved if we are able to identify the attachment style of our partner. He or she may be able to meet our emotional needs with ease, or may appear defensive or uncomfortable when we express them. We may find that our partner worries about the relationship and needs frequent reassurance. Once we understand the origin of these responses, we are better able to accommodate them and to make adjustments that may in turn improve our partner’s pattern of relating. A couple can then move towards a secure interdependence, which take precedence over a codependency that may allow both partners to remain stuck in former attachment styles, and which provides them with the secure base that may have been lacking in earlier life.
How Therapy Can Change Your Attachment Style
Therapy offers another type of relationship that can help us identify and change our attachment style. For those considering therapy, the variety of theoretical approaches on offer can feel overwhelming. In fact, numerous studies that have sought to weigh up the relative benefits of different modalities have consistently come to the conclusion that all psychotherapies have roughly equivalent effects. Whatever the therapeutic approach, all therapy has one thing in common: the relationship between therapist and client. This relationship is the key to the benefits that therapy can bring. Of course, differing approaches may suit different individuals and not all of them will necessarily benefit the patient in the same way. However, research has consistently shown that the strength of the emotional bond and collaboration between the therapist and client is a clear predictor of positive change in the client’s emotional life, even in therapies that appear to set less store by the therapeutic relationship.
This fact is highly significant in terms of attachment styles. In effective therapy, the therapist enables the client to form a secure attachment. While patients with an avoidant attachment style in particular may feel anxious at the idea of developing an attachment to or even a dependency on a therapist, it is precisely this attachment that allows them to grow and then to become more independent. Going back to Bowlby’s theories, the secure attachment figure of the therapist becomes a secure base from which the client can explore and take greater emotional risks. Beyond the exploration of the client’s personal difficulties that therapy allows, the relationship itself can become reparative, as the therapist assumes the role of the nurturing mother who may have been absent in the client’s childhood.
Earned Secure Attachment
In summary, it is never too late to work towards a secure attachment style, even if it were not fostered by our childhood experiences. A therapist may provide us with a secure base from which we can venture out and gain the developmental experiences we missed as a child. Alternatively, this base may be provided by a friend or a partner. Whoever this person is, it is important that we have their buy in. They will need to be emotionally available, consistent and also to hold us to account. If we are able to stay close to this secure base for long enough, we will develop trust and also a bank of experiences of consistent support and affection. Over time, the hope is that we will eventually be able to internalise this earned secure attachment and become our own secure base.
Comments